In the entirety of this project, this blog in which I attempt to achieve moral betterment on the behalf of myself, I find it ever so apparent that I have an innate struggle with Enjoyment and Sincerity. Both of these are incredibly important to me, and I believe that a mastery of such traits will allow me to be closer to my ideal image; if I were to achieve them I would become an elated and productive individual. As such ideals are the most abstract, I understood when undertaking them that they would inherently take more time: perhaps the achievement of such utterly will be a lifelong struggle in which perceived success will never be reached.
Despite this, I will endure regardless in such a struggle, and I will recount what has vexed me so. When considering the Sincerity of oneself at any point in time, one truly needs to be actively Aware of their actions, their words, and how they are perceived by oneself and others. Generally, I consider myself quite successful at the onset of such, but putting such Sincerity into execution has been a miserable failing on my part. I realize now that I feel the pressure of peers too intimately: I try to leave the people I enjoy burden-less, and with the individual I believe will bring them the most contentment. It’s a depressing exercise, one in which is constantly a drain upon my mental energy, but also an incredibly difficult pattern of behaviors to break. I have to be actively aware of what I wish to do before a conversation, lest I fall into old patterns which leave me frustrated and ashamed.
In further regards to Sincerity, I will also acknowledge that such an endeavor is one that couldn’t be reasonably accounted for within the span of eleven days. It will soon be a long-term effort of mine, one which will need to take effortful steps as to make true progress in it. As of now, I have learned within this time that I need to start off small; labor towards Sincerity with the individuals considered to be closest, and once that has been achieved slowly expand outwards until mastery is reached. I have made some progress in such a front, but further progress upon it is a goal of mine. However, I am glad to have had the opportunity to focus on it, as such focus has allowed me to recognize the importance of working further upon it, and how being Sincere leads to my greater happiness.
On a further account of my trials, I recognize that the magnitude of Enjoyment, both in how it challenges me and how broad such an idea is, is one that I could not fully account for within the time-frame allotted. At this time, I believe myself to be in a depressive episode, one I predicted months prior. However, such prediction has led me into an impending doom of malaise, one in which I have been trying to actively combat since the start of this project. Overall, progress has been slow, but I would expect no less with the circumstances I have acquired. It is a struggle to find joy in a life where previously Enjoyed activities no longer lend me fruits of euphoria. It is furthermore a struggle to find joy in repeating tiring behaviors as to gain a sense of normalcy.
However, despite the enduring struggle, I will continue onwards with my current schedule, as doing anything is better than the cynical ruminations which come with everlasting time. Any Enjoyment I can encounter will be reaped, and from there I will make slow, minimal changes until I see an everlasting impact. To hasten this impact, I will discuss alternative options with individuals understanding of my current position alongside my desires. One of such options is to continue working on my self-actualization, as accountability for myself will lead to healthier habits, and from there a potentially better state of mind. Most importantly, I will try to find the innate sources of my emotional malaise, and from there adjust accordingly so I can create a present which I can Enjoy.
The creation of a brighter present moment would not be possible without the virtues that have been the most successful in execution, as an ability to master concrete ideas will lend itself to being applied to more abstract and difficult pursuits. In the concept of Awareness, I have found myself with an acute radar for compulsive concepts, and from that I can simmer on unsavory ideals until they trickle away, rather than directly engaging. Furthermore, efforts in regards to engagement have been successful, whether that be through participating in a side activity or by simply redirecting current mental energy. Resolution has generally been ample in supply, and although further work needs to be completed, the groundwork has now been lain for future habits; a continuance of effortful planning and work will soon turn circumstances more into my favor. Such can be proven in the actions that have occurred throughout the duration of the project, as boundaries for my sanity have been set and stable, and productivity has kept its general trend, though work can be done even further. The one in which I believe true mastery has been achieved, at least to an identifiable extent, is the mastery of Regulation, and how thankful am I for such. Stable recording upon my endeavors for a proper time of restfulness has led to an increased Awareness of issues in my nightly schedule, as well as which habits are conducive for my wellbeing. Overall, if a pattern of Regulation continues after the conclusion of this series, I can easily identify myself maintaining a healthy state of being for months to come. The tides of schedules are quick to change, but the longer they occur for the more resilient they become to the tribulations of life.
